Family
... from the perspective of children
by Minister Louis
Farrakhan
In the Name of Allah, The Beneficent, The
Merciful.
Allah (God) says in the Qur�an that each
creature is created in need. Therefore, Allah (God) is the supplier
of all needs. Allah (God) is independent of His creatures, but, He
created all of His creatures to depend on Him. Allah (God) supplies
the needs of all of His creatures through what He has created. Each
creature has the duty of doing something for itself. This is the
nature in which all living things are created.
Every human need is a human right. When we are born into
this world we are complete yet incomplete,
therefore, we have needs. All human beings have a need to be made
secure or to feel safe. As we grow in life, our needs may change,
but the need to be made secure will follow us from birth until
death. The baby is secured in its mother�s womb, but when it comes
into its new environment it cries because it is insecure. The baby
is secured by the love and warmth from the mother�s body; it is
secured by the milk that flows from its mother�s breast; it is also
secured by the loving care of a mother who makes sure that the needs
of the baby to be fed, to be changed, to be in a clean and safe
environment are met. All of this must be provided by the mother,
with the help of the father.
Love is a human need. Therefore, to be loved is a human right. To
feel the warmth of a loving embrace is a human need. It is a human
right to be encircled by the love of a mother, a father, a sister,
or a brother who love each other. To have a sense of family is a
human need. Therefore, to have a family or to be a part of a family
is a human right. We are born into the world knowing nothing, but,
we are born into a universe filled with knowledge.
Allah (God) gives us a curious nature and has placed within us a
hunger to learn what is in our environment and to master what is in
our environment. To learn, or to grow in knowledge is a human need.
Therefore, the attainment of knowledge is a human right. Every
mother and every father should strive to provide the tools of
learning for the new life, for, it begins to learn from the moment
it leaves its mother�s womb. Each child is gifted from the Creator
with a very special gift that is unique to itself, but, these gifts
must be discovered; must be cultivated; must be exploited for the
good of the individual, the family, and the nation.
America and the industrial nations are concerned about human
rights violations in the under developed or newly developing nations
of the earth. However, with the criteria that we have mentioned, all
nations in some way or another are in violation of the human rights
of the people, for, all nations in some way interfere with the
attainment of the needs of the human being.
Children desire validation from their parents. "How do I look
mommy?" "How did I do daddy?" No matter what the child does, it
desires to be approved by those who mean the most to it: (1)
Mother (2) Father (3) Siblings (4) Friends and Playmates.
Children need encouragement when they falter that they may do
better. The misuse of language and/or the harshness of language in
rebuke can hurt the emotional and psychological development of the
child. Remember, the need to be made secure is with us throughout
our lives. So, as we grow, what it takes to secure us mentally,
spiritually, morally, economically, and politically is always at
work, even in the home. The child wants to know that we are aware of
its presence. Even though consciously the child may not be aware,
subconsciously, it wants to know that its rights even as a child are
respected and protected in the family environment when dealing with
parents, guardians and when disputes arise among the siblings.
The need for justice at all levels of development is that which
helps to make the human being secure. Each child looks to the
parents to settle their disputes with justice. When disputes arise
in the family, it gives the mother and the father a chance to teach
and instill family values, moral values and also to build good
character in the children. All of the aforementioned are needs. All
of the aforementioned are rights. Some of us think that
disciplining our children is abuse, but, everything in creation has
its affair regulated by law.
In the home there is a need for rules, regulations or laws. Rules
and regulations are a human need, and to deny our children the
discipline of rules is to deny them that which ultimately will make
them secure. There must be rules in the home.
There must be rules that teach us how to relate to one another
properly in the home. There must be rules of respect for parents,
children, self and one another that are taught in the home because
everywhere we go we will find existing rules and regulations. Where
there are no rules, there will be no order. Chaos will be the
result. Where there is chaos, it will bring to an end the activity
or the life of the home, school, community, nation, and the world.
Having discipline in our homes is not abuse of our children. We
learn to respect rules in our home so that when we go to school and
meet with the children in the neighborhood, rules of social behavior
if taught, accepted and practiced in the home mean that our children
will be more apt to accept and obey the rules of society, then, jail
or prison will not be an end for us. The respect of rules and
regulations starting in the home could mean the end of prisons.
Children have a need for attention. "Look at me." "Listen to
me." These are not words coming from the lips of the children,
this is written in the nature of the child.
We must be careful in disciplining our children. There is a line,
which if crossed in disciplining our children could be labeled as
abuse. In a world that is prophesied to come to an end; where human
beings are suffering loss and enduring great levels of stress, as
parents, as teachers, as leaders, as preachers, as foremen, and as
authority figures, we must be careful not to take out our stress on
those under our authority, thus violating their rights. More and
more there are children killing their parents, killing their
teachers; workers killing their foremen, or bosses; spouses killing
each other because of abuse and violation of rights.
I believe this is why Jesus said that, "Nation will rise
against nation and kingdom against kingdom ... and the mother-in-law
will be at variance with the daughter-in-law ... and they of a man�s
household will be his worst enemy."
Corporal punishment is not abuse if it is done with moderation,
with the thought in mind of correction and not the thought of
afflicting pain, but, to bring about change in the behavior to make
a better child and a better human being. Punishment must always be
in accord with the violation, and devoid of anger. The love that we
have for our children is the reason why we punish them because our
desire is to make the child better.
In today�s society the rights of parents are gradually being
taken away and although this is supposed to be a Judeo-Christian
society, the Bible�s teaching of how to rear the children is being
ignored and uprooted. The Bible says, "He that spareth his rod
hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him early."
(Proverbs 13:24) "Withhold not correction from the child:
for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die."
(Proverbs 23:13) It also teaches, "Train up a child in the way
he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
(Proverbs 22:6) The Qur�an is the best companion of this
scripture because it gives us guidance on how to train the child. If
we as parents coming into the knowledge of Allah (God) are
instructed by Jesus in these words, "Verily, I say unto you,
Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not
enter into the Kingdom of God." (Matthew 18:3) If we follow
these instructions, they will give us a greater understanding of how
our minds, and our children�s minds should be in listening to
instructions that we may be trained in the Way of Allah (God).
PARENTS TOO BUSY;
CHILDREN NEGLECTED
These are areas that must be studied and approached with wisdom.
Every child is not the same, but, every child hungers to be
disciplined. The teachers that we remember most are those who were
firm, yet, just. Where there is no discipline, there really is
no love.
When we do not get sufficient attention as a child, we act in a
manner to get attention and sometimes this results in anti-social
conduct or behavior. When the need for attention and validation is
not supplied in the home or in the school, and we find that we have
a gift or talent, that sets us apart and gives us attention, we have
a tendency to focus on that talent and give all of our time to that
talent, gift, or profession because it has given us the attention,
acceptance and validation that we missed coming up as children.
As Black people growing up in a society where we feel rejected by
the larger society, and, are mistreated by the larger society,
we grow up with a mentality desiring attention and validation from
the members of the larger society. When we discover a gift or talent
that sets us apart from the rest of our un-validated people that
gives us attention from our former slave masters and their children,
we give all of our time to that talent, gift or profession because
it has given us the attention and acceptance that we have not
experienced growing up Black in White America.
Sometimes when we marry and have our children, we choose our gift
and our talent and its ability to create wealth over the needs of
and our duty to our wives and children. Ofttimes as we become
"great" in our profession, getting the attention and
validation for our gift, skill, or talent, we may find that
somewhere along the line we have lost our balance and neglected our
duty to our wives, and our children. While we bask in the adoration
of our fans, patients, students, clients, and congregation, we may
find that we have lost something more precious than what we gained
in the world, because, in our blindness, we did not look at life and
the needs of our children and our wives from their perspective, and,
therefore, failed in our duty to them. This is why people whom we
look up to, that have everything in life that we think we would
want, are very unsuccessful in marriage, and very unsuccessful in
parenting their children.
In going through life, we really cannot see until we can see from
the perspective of others. When there is an argument and we try to
see from the side of the person with whom we have a disagreement or
variance, as you would want them to see from your side, more than
likely seeing from the other person�s perspective can cause us to
arrive at a balance and accomplish the reconciliation of our
differences.
Our children will not voice their opinions or share their
perspectives in a home that it is ruled by fear, and they will never
say to the parents what they really feel. If our homes are ruled by
love, and governed by the principle of justice, then, we will
encourage our children to speak to us so that we may know how they
think and what they see and feel. We then have the task to either
help them to see better, or in listening we may find ourselves at
fault and we correct ourselves.
This is why the principle of atonement works so well in the home,
if we allow our children to point out to us where they see or feel
we have treated them unfairly or handled them improperly. As
parents, we carry the pride of parenting and ofttimes the arrogance
of parenting disallows us to listen to the child�s perspective. In
this type of home, the old adage is, "A child should be seen
and not heard." Suppose those in authority over us as
grown-ups feel that we, under their authority should be seen and not
heard, and if we voiced our grievance and were punished by those in
authority, we would then say that we are living under tyranny and
some of us would plan or take part in a revolt. This is the same
spirit that will come into the hearts and minds of the children in
the home by disrespecting their rights and by not allowing our
children to share their feelings and thoughts with us as their
parents.
This attitude of not listening will lead to a hostile attitude in
the children toward their parents. A gulf then develops between the
children and the parents that oft-times is never bridged. If the
children in the home do not find the attention, the love, the
validation and the sense of family that they need, they will take to
the streets and find what they have missed in the homes in what is
called the gangs.
As a parent, teacher, preacher, politician or leader, those
under our authority have rights that must not be ignored by those
who have authority. Children have rights.
Parents have rights, but, parents have authority. How
authority is used is critical to the development of those under our
authority. Using our authority to trample on the rights of our
children is a violation that there may not necessarily be a law on
the book of society for which to punish us, but the law of justice
is written in the nature of creation, therefore, at some point, we
will have to face the fact that we have not looked through the eyes
of our children and have not listened to the cry of those under our
authority.
We think that providing for them a home, food and some of the
amenities of life is all that we have to do to expect complete
submission from our children. When we understand that they too have
rights and try to see from their perspective and be balanced in
sufficing their needs, we will produce better human beings, better
and stronger families, a stronger, more just, and peaceful society.
Remember, those in authority are the custodians of our needs and
the guardians of our rights.
Thank you for reading these few words.
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